Wednesday, May 31, 2006

one year

So princess is two years old now. And life is like that... today we remember something completely diffrent.

It is one year since my father passed away.
On 31 of May we went to the doctor together and he heard the verdict that he had breastcancer. The doctor said he wanted to operate (papa was 84 then), but that he had "to cut deep to be sure". He took it bravely, but i knew how he felt.
We made appointments for the next week and left.
In the hall of the hospital we talked for almost one hour, planning how to tell mama.
We dwelled through all the possibilities, both frightened for the future.Both holding each other...
He walked me out when i left. We hugged and kissed goodnight like usual. Through the front screen i put my thumb up as a sign that everything will be okay. He pulled up his shoulders and smiled: "I don't know, girl"

His best friend convinced him to play brigde that evening (my father was a great bridgeplayer, pride of his club). My father's friend lost his wife one year before due to breastcancer,so he said that it would give him some distraction. And so they could talk a while...

That night papa ji had a bleeding in the brain...A massive bleeding...
I think sometimes he made some negotiations with God: "Please give me another death, something quick and not painful."
And God gave it to him.

While he was drifting into a coma, bridge was still in his mind and he said to mama:
"Let's play hearts"
That were his last words.

Yes we do, daddy, we play hearts. We always will.
For you.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006


This is my little princess and tomorrow she will be two years.
She really is the apple of my eye.
Happy birthday sweetie!

Sunday, May 28, 2006


There shouldn't be any words added. The title says it all.

Saturday, May 27, 2006


celebration of Guru Nanak in November 2005
Aren't they sweet?

Friday, May 26, 2006


I am fond of poetry, reading and writing. It is my way to express.
Okay in a shortstory i will survive, but not in a complete novel.
It is who i am...
And darn, i like it to be this way!

My best friend X. is very good in ceramics, so last year she made this beautiful plate and she engraved one of my poems in it.
"Detached landscape"(Onthecht landschap)
You can read the last sentences: "nothing more, nothing less, One i am" (niet meer, niet minder, Eén ben ik)

It is the most beautiful gift i ever got. Thank you X.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

It cures and will cure every sad feeling. Can you understand?
Thank you dear AS!
... and he never cooked in his life while being in Punjab.
You see...

look at that! i like it when they puff...

when i am feeling down or asd or homesick (or whatever reason i can think of) i am going to eat with my friend AS. Stuff like this! Delicious aloo gobi!
I am comforted at once!

(taken november 2005 Darbar Sahib Amritsar)
It is a great feeling to join early in the morning. The feeling of belonging is so powerful over there. So i did join almost every day of my stay in Amritsar.
The window you see on top left, is the window of my room in Mata Ganga Niwas.
Nr.28 like in my blog address.

[You were thinking 28 was my age?
I used to be, yes, long ago...]

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

...the old tools in the old shed...
suddenly a poem is growing in my mind...

...nature is taking over, so Someone else is taking care...

...missing his caring hands...

The old garden wall in my father's garden.(may 2006)

The base of my life.
(taken in our Gurdwara in march 2006)

i did it!

My God, i just did it!!!!!
I posted a picture to my blog. By myself!
Hope nothing goes wrong with the computer, my daughter will kill me, she is just finishing her papers.
But look here it is!
One of my favourites taken when i was in Amritsar november 2005.

This pure devotion is touching my heart....


Hehe, sometimes it is so crowded in bloggerland, i can not even catch up reading everything (135 comments on one post,oh dear).
So i return to my own little blog
"string me a line that has meaning and depth"

So i will give a quote of the day (i think i read it first on poetry chaikana, so thanks Yvan Granger)


Now that will keep me quiet for a while...
Thanks for dropping by, unknown reader, hope you enjoy some silence too...


Tuesday, May 23, 2006


I washed my hair. So that's not a big deal, isn't it?
But after washing i rap a towel round my hair. A white towel.
And that is the closest i ever come to wearing a dastaar.
Sometimes i make a real dastaar, i know how to do it. But the reactions of people make me shy and unsecure.
I still do not have the strength to make this step, against the stream.
Even when i was in India i did not wear it. The sikhfamilies i stayed in, did not encourage me in any way (the ladies were wearing chunnies)

So here i am with my white towel, feeling great as long as i stay in.
I feel taller, have more grace (that's what i hope anyhow, because it feels like that), having more dignity. I walk differently like this. Restrained.
I feel i look like a sikh.

Waheguru, is it very wrong to ask something for myself?
Please give me strength one day? Please!

Sunday, May 21, 2006


While working in my office, i often listen to Bhai Surinder Singh Ji Jodhpuri.


I love this kirtan, but i do not understand and i can not find any translation.
Is there anybody who knows what it means? Or where i can find full shabad, with translation.

(Sukh dukh i understand, but that is about it)

Please forgive me my ignorance.

Friday, May 19, 2006


While waiting for my son, i was sitting in this pavement café, drinking a nice cup of café and watching the people walking by.
People make a statement with their clothes. They want to fit to a certain image, like

- i am fashionable
- i am not
- i am artistic
- i am gothic
- i am sporty
- i am still young
- i am sexy
- i am posh
- i am alternative
- i am integrated
- i am not
- i am nice
- i am japanese
- i am a cowgirl
- i am decent
- i am british
- no i am french
- i am a hippie
- i am a hell's angel
- i am too good to be true
- etc

And that's fine. That is freedom, everybody should express who he/she is.
But why is it that people who want to show they are religious, are considered old fashioned weirdo's. Why?
why are spiritual people so much focussed on that new laws are made up to discriminate them?
Tell me why?????

Wednesday, May 17, 2006


Spent full day with my granddaughter.
She is going a few days a week to the nursery (since i am working fulltime), so her vocabulary is changing a lot. (she understands and speaks pretty well, says the proud grandmother)

But now she dragged in a new word.
- "What are you looking for?"
- "Something"

- "what are you playing?"
- "Something"

- "Look here on this flower!"
-" Something with wingies"

- "What are we going to eat?"
- "Something red"

- "Who is your best friend?"
- "oma!" (thank God, thank God!)

So i am going to read something, write something, lay down in something.
Life will be something more fresh tomorrow.
Life can be soo simple.
Well at least something(s).

Tuesday, May 16, 2006


I just went to gurdwara to make some arrangements for visiting groups (there is no computer in gurdwara en phonecall s are difficult if what i am saying is not illustrated with gestures. You know the level of my punjabi)

First i went to the hall, bowed for Shri Guru Granth Sahib, when i heard a unknown noice.
I sat down to do some praying and this noice started growing. I could locate it now, behind the Guru.
All of a sudden i realised someone was crying. I got up and there this young lad was sitting, trying to hold his tears. In vain.
I did not think about any cultural differences and held him by the shoulders.
" Do not worry, Waheguru will take care. Everything will be ok."
He held his hands before his face, probably shy that this gora woman caught him on this moment. He was sniffing loud now: " Ma" he said "ma".
And i felt what all mothers feel at such moments...

He was sitting there, feeling so alone, so far from his family. I hope his family had a good reason to send him over here, in this strange midget country where he does not know where to turn to.
I prayed: "Waheguru, hold him, let him feel Your Love"

It is a matter of time, but He will.

Monday, May 15, 2006


I fell in love. Yes, i did. How weird can someone be to fall in love with a picture?

But i did. On solarider's blog (yes, dear him again) is this wonderful photo and i can not get it out of my head!
No, it is not a photo of him, but by him. He is so good in making photographs (and a lot of other things too), but this picture is keeping my full attention.
I can not put it on the blog, due to my computerskills (or the lack of it). But this picture shows a barn(?) window, taken from the inside. Somewhere in North America, i guess.
I have never been there, still it is so familiar. I did a lot of association games (as learnt in creative writing classes) to find out, but i can not find the right clue.
Though all my associations are negative ones (holocaust, witch hunting etc), still the picture makes me very happy.
There is something in the back of my mind and i can not catch it. Not today anyhow, but i will.
Oh, this failing memory of mine.... I will let you know when i found out.

The picture is hanging in my little office right now and even i am unaware what it will discover for me, it makes me very happy.
Please have a look on Through the looking glass.


Hehe, i made a very nice plan. I want to go to England, because Snatam Kaur Khalsa is performing in London. So i planned everything by computer.
On 27th of May i will take Eurolines (coach) to London, till Victoria Station, then i will travel by bus and underground to Southall.
I will check in the hotel on The Broadway.
Next morning (Sunday) i will go to gurdwara, enjoy Snatam Kaur Khalsa's wonderful voice. Feel the strength of a large sangat. And then travel back.
It is so simple, it seems London is just round the corner.
He, if you can travel to Punjab on your own, you can travel to Londan next door.

It would have been that simple.
Suddenly one little girl wants to sleep with grandma on Saturday. And she will bring Beary Bear. He wants to sleep with grandma too.
So plan cancelled, oma is staying home to cherish her little princess. And her teddybear.

Sorry, dear Snatam Kaur, i will listen to your CD's and maybe we will meet some other time.
I know it will be wonderful!

Thursday, May 04, 2006


Today i visited my mother. I do not see her enough, working fulltime is taking so much time. And time is precious, mama is 87 years now. I know how quickly papa passed away last year, so i want to spend as much time as possible with her.
We went into the garden, when we opened the kitchendoor we could smell the lilacs in the back of the garden. Papa was so proud on his flowers. We went to cut a bouquet of lilacs. We did not talk both remembering him.
Thank you, papa ji, the lilacs look and smell wonderful!
Do you remember that little twig you planted there? It is a big tree now and it thanks you every year with so many flowers for caring and weeding.
Papa is not here anymore, but Waheguru gives us so many signs he is with Him.
Both caring for the flowers, the gardner and the Creator. What a wonderful team...

fortress europe

Found this CD in the library: "Enemy of my enemy" by Asian Dub Foundation. I' ll show part of the lyrics of their song:" Fortress Europe" (but it could have been N. America as well)

Fortress Europe
Keep banging on the walls of Fortress Europe
Keep banging
This is a 21st century excodus
They got a right- listen not to the scaremonger
Who doen't run when they're feel the hunger
From where to what to when to here to there
People caught up in red tape nightmare
Break out of the detention centres
Cut the wires and tear up the vouchers
People get ready it's time to wake up
Tear down the walls of Fortress Europe

"Cut the wires" this could be an entrance for solarider's spin a story nr. 7.
Unfortunately, this is not a story it is just hard reality.

Bole so nihal!
Sat shri akal!

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

out there

My heart is broken. I am upset, sad and angry at the same time. But most of all i feel powerless. What is my problem? Well two young sikhboys are out there, sleeping in the park with no shelter at all.
I know them a while now, they lived in the asylumcenter and i met them first time, when the visited gurdwara with their class. Of course they noticed me before, being the only gora in the gurdwara. For me they were unnoticed at that time since their are many young lads in gurdwara.
They told me their story then; they came alone from Punjab to try their luck in Europe. Stranded in Belgium, completely on their own. At that time they had legal protection, being only sixteen.
But now, they will be eighteen soon, so one morning they will be taken to detentioncenter and then deported to India. I know the procedure, there will be no escape.
The boys choose to stay free and left the asylumcenter, but could not find any shelter. They are afraid to go to the gurdwara, because of all the policecontrols lately. And they didn't seem to have built a network, so there is no help.
They slept outside. That's how they looked, unfresh, with black rings under their eyes, smelly.
I start to ring in the community, but nobody was willing to take the risk of having problems with unknow illegal boys.
- " If they can travel so far on their own, they can manage now!"
- " Don't be fooled, they are just cheating on you!"
- " Blame the mothers of Begowal, who send their boys on such a young age!"
- " Do you think they are poor, if they have money to come here.."
These were answers of other sikhs. I am stunned. Is this sikhism? Is this seva?

And yes, you are right, were is my seva?
That's an old story. Before i dragged all kind of people to our home. It were not always good experiences. And the last time i said it was only for a couple of days. But it became weeks, months, years. I am not alone to decide in our family home and privacy is highly valued.

But it feels like a cheap excuse. Two boys are out there. They could have been my sons...

Waheguru, they need your help. Waheguru...

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

gurdwara control

The day after the first control in the new gurdwara in H., the mayor came back on his treat to close down the gurdwara. He had no legal grounds to do so, he said, there would be a settlement with the gurdwara committee. But at the same time he said there would be further control, if necessary every Sunday.
Everybody thought it was just bluff to save his face. But he was serious. This Sunday there was again a big control (not only townpolice, but federal as well) i am told about 100 policemen (sorry if this figure is wrong, i am told this by some of the witnesses).
They did not enter the gurdwara this time, but nobody could enter the gurdwara without being checked. So many people did not go (sikhmobiles were ringing all day!!!!) not only illegal people, but people in some kind of procedure as well.
Still 5 people were held and were ordered to leave the country at once. 10 Kirpans were taken, because of illegal possessing of arms.
So illegals people can not go to gurdwara, but amrithari sikhs can not go either!

So what is this? When did we hear that visitors of any church or mosque, mandir or stupa or whatever was checked by police? Why in gurdwara's???? The mayor said he didn't want to attrack illegal immigrants. But did any mayor ever go to other places of worship to check on their believers? Is this going to be a witch hunt??????
At the same time the Bishop of Antwerp is making a firm attack on the home minister, telling him he should do something for the regularisation of the illegals in Belgium. Good of him! Applause! The catholic Bishop did this before and was already tackled by the home minster. The minister's message was that religion should not interfere with statesmatters.
But now the Bishop answered that all his churches will be open for illegals (in some churches illegals start to do a hungerstrike!) So brave of the Bishop. But will all this churches be checked by police, although everybody knows illegals are inside?
Then why is the focus so much on gurdwara's? Our home minister is mayor as well of town T. only 20 kms away from my hometown ST. And H. (where the new gurdwara is) is in between T and ST. Are illegals coming too close for him? Is he going to face this problem in his personal life?
I do hope so! He has to look into the face of an illegal person and just see, that the other one is human just like him. Has needs just like hime. That this other one wants stability and safety in his life as well. Just like him. For God's sake give them a chance!

And speaking of witch hunt.
In my hometown all the indian(night) shops were checked. Again several people were arrested.
Sad thing is that there were goods out of date, cigarettes with no taxribbon, no licences to sell alcohol. Sikh shopkeepers should care about this (better sell no alcohol and cigarettes!!!).
But still i wonder if the belgian nightshop is checked that day?

We still have along way to go....